Conflict in relationships, especially with a spouse, is something almost everyone experiences.
A common refrain I hear in my office is, “I keep getting into arguments with my spouse.” But when I hear this, I often challenge clients by asking, “Who is the ‘I’ you’re talking about?”
In moments of conflict, we’re quick to focus on what the other person is doing wrong, how they’ve hurt us, or where they’ve failed to understand us. But often, we overlook our own role in the conflict — and more importantly, the layers of past experiences, beliefs, and subconscious influences that shape how we react.
To explain this concept, I use a familiar analogy: the Connect Four game. Just as you need four aligned pieces to win in Connect Four, you need to connect the “disks” of your past selves — the different stages and experiences that make you who you are — to truly understand yourself and approach conflicts from a place of self-awareness.
Understanding the “I” in Conflict
When we find ourselves in a heated argument, our focus tends to shift solely to our spouse’s words and actions. In doing so, we lose sight of ourselves — not only of the person we are today but also the layered combination of experiences, beliefs, and past interactions that make up our current reactions.
Who is this “I” that gets upset, triggered, or defensive? This “I” isn’t just who you are now; it’s a complex blend of the child, the adolescent, the young adult, and every experience along the way. These different versions of yourself make up your subconscious — and often play an invisible role in conflict without your conscious awareness.
The Connect Four Analogy for Self-Awareness
In the game of Connect Four, the objective is clear: align four pieces to win. But what if we applied that concept to our inner lives? Imagine that, to win in life and relationships, you must align four key “disks” — aspects of yourself at different stages. These four disks could represent:
1. Your Childhood Self – The experiences, family dynamics, and core beliefs you absorbed as a child. This “disk” may carry emotions, fears, or assumptions about relationships that were formed in early years.
2. Your Adolescent Self – The influences and identity struggles that shaped you during your teenage years. This “disk” may hold rebellion, confusion, or insecurities that influence how you respond to authority or intimacy.
3. Your Young Adult Self – The independence, successes, and challenges of early adulthood. This “disk” might reflect your early relationships, career aspirations, or values that you’re either proud of or still trying to reconcile.
4. Your Current Self – The person you are today, with all the accumulated knowledge, emotions, and memories. This “disk” includes your recent experiences, beliefs, and how you view yourself in your current relationship.
Why Connecting the Four “Disks” Is Essential
In Connect Four, aligning the pieces creates stability and direction. Similarly, connecting these four stages of yourself helps you to gain a clear, stable understanding of who you are and how past experiences affect your present. When these parts are disconnected, it’s easy to lose perspective in the heat of conflict, react impulsively, or repeat old patterns without understanding why.
Each disk holds valuable insight. For instance, if a partner’s words trigger a deep-seated fear of abandonment from childhood, recognizing this connection could help you avoid an emotional overreaction. Similarly, if your adolescent self’s need for independence leads to defensiveness, acknowledging that part of yourself can prevent unnecessary friction.
Steps to “Connect” Yourself for Healthier Conflict Resolution
1. Identify Your Four Disks
Take time to reflect on each stage of life. Ask yourself: What defining moments, beliefs, or struggles have shaped who I am at each stage? Which memories still hold emotional weight? Writing these down can help create a visual map of your “disks.”
2. Examine Emotional Triggers
Think about recent conflicts with your spouse. Identify where your reactions felt stronger than the situation warranted. Often, these strong reactions point to unresolved issues or beliefs from a past “disk” that’s been triggered.
3. Practice Self-Awareness in the Moment
During conflict, practice pausing before reacting. Mentally remind yourself of the four disks — the parts of you that might be influencing your feelings. This mindfulness allows you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
4. Communicate Your Discoveries
Share your insights with your spouse. Let them know that you’re working on connecting the layers of your past to improve your relationship. Vulnerability in communication can lead to mutual understanding and patience during conflict.
5. Regularly Revisit and Update Your Connections
Just as Connect Four can end quickly if you don’t pay attention, self-awareness needs consistent effort. Regularly check in with yourself to understand how life changes are adding new layers to your disks and reshaping how you connect with others.
Win in Life by Connecting All Parts of Yourself
Relationships, especially marriage, are complex and layered. Each of us brings our own history, beliefs, and emotional layers into the partnership. By taking a Connect Four approach to self-awareness, you can gain clarity on the full picture of who you are, creating a foundation of understanding and compassion within yourself that will transform how you interact with your spouse.
Instead of being trapped in cycles of conflict, you’ll gain the tools to respond from a place of wisdom, reduce misunderstandings, and strengthen the connection with your spouse — all by connecting the pieces that make you who you are.